Saturday, January 8, 2011

Lonely (Alternate title: I'm pathetic)

We moved here (PA) from Virginia in April of 2009 to be closer to my family. I had terrible post partum depression after having my son and the place we lived was so remote that I felt utterly alone. We had very good friends and a wonderful church but they suddenly felt so very far away. I was terrified to be alone with my son, and yet petrified of taking him anywhere. I can see now, of course, that it was the PPD wreaking havoc with my mind and body but at the time I felt so very isolated. I have always wanted the Norman Rockwell type of family that is so close and loving. My family is just not that way. Of course that hasn't stopped me from striving for that. So while I was knee deep in the PPD I talked to my mother a lot and somehow convinced myself that I needed to be closer to her, for my sake and for my son as well. My husband was very against moving and said we could discuss it again in a year. He knew I was fighting the PPD and was still very hormonal. He also knows how my family is and can see them much more objectively than I can. I refused to give up though, and he has never been able to say no to me so we decided that we would "look into" moving. The hope of moving and suqsequent packing gave me something to look forward to and focus on and I started climbing out of the pit of PPD. Things fell into place and we ended up buying my aunt's house, which had been my grandparents' before that. It's the house my mother grew up in and our son took his first steps in the same house as his grandmother did. How's that for Rockwell-ish?
     Long story short(er), things have not been as picture perfect as I had hoped they would be. My mother hasn't changed. My parents adore J but they don't help out as much as I had thought they would. Part of that is admittedly my fault; I don't ask them to watch him unless I have a doctor or dentist appointment. I also became very self reliant in VA because I had no choice. I also have huge control issues that I won't get into right now. All of that leads (finally) to the point of this post: I am lonely. This area is very different from where we lived in VA. We have not made any friends here yet, which is the longest we have ever gone without having friends. I still talk to my "old" friends on the phone and on Facebook but I'm hoping to make some friends here that we can get together with. We have not found the right church for us, which also contributes to not having made any friends yet. People here just don't seem as friendly and I'm not sure exactly how to go about making friends as an adult. We've always made friends through our church or our jobs or with neighbors. I'm a stay-at-home mom and my husband works at a small business and doesn't have much in common with his few coworkers. I don't want to sound conceited (I'm truly not), but our neighbors are not the type of people we'd feel comfortable socializing with either. I take J to a children's center and play group sometimes and the other moms are either very standoffish or very "exclusive." I'm beginning to wonder if I'm giving off a bad vibe or if I appear unfriendly. I am shy, which I suppose could be seen as standoffishness. One of my New Years resolutions is to really make an effort to make friends and put myself out there. That's part of my reason for starting this blog and I hope to "meet" people through it. Maybe I'll resort to passing someone a note that says "Do you want to be my friend? Check Yes or No." Pathetic? Perhaps.

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