Thursday, January 27, 2011


     Our dalmatian mix has been coughing and I'm worried that something serious could be wrong. R is out of town for work right now and I don't want to take her to the vet by myself just in case "the decision" has to be made. Our vet only does vaccinations on saturdays so I made an appointment for monday. She's not in any pain or I would take her immediately. I am an animal lover and our pets are so very special to me. When we had to put our first dog to sleep, it nearly killed me to lose her. I literally laid in bed, not eating or drinking, for days. My husband was so worried about me. She was so special to me, literally a part of my heart and soul. After we lost her, I said no more dogs. That lasted about two months. We always had a dog growing up and the house just seemed empty without one. We decided to get two puppies so that they could keep each other company while we were working. We agreed that we would each choose one. I wanted a Brussells Griffon (the dog from As G.ood As It G.ets) or a pug. I knew it was meant to be when I found a mix of the two. Jackson was/is the perfect dog to help soothe my broken heart after the loss of my beloved Bear. R wanted a german shepherd but instead he picked out a dalmatian and blue heeler mix that he named Dottie. I'm sad to say that, for various reasons, I have not bonded with her like I have with my Jackson. Somehow I managed to pick a dog with my husband's personality and he chose one with mine. Perhaps that's why she gets on my nerves so bad? LOL Of course I love her but there just isn't the same kind of connection as I had with Bear and now have with Jack. I'm worried that if something happens to her (I realize it is inevitable at some point), I will have guilt over that in addition to the grief of losing her. I don't think I could live without pets in my life, I just wish that they could live longer. They give so much unconditional love that the loss of it is just devestating.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Mother Issues

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has issues with my mother. I love her very much, but sometimes she just crushes me emotionally. I won't spew out our whole family history here (you're welcome) but sometimes it just helps to get things out. I have often wondered if I'm overly sensitive and over-reacting to things, but my husband and friends agree that the things she says and does are very hurtful. When I was little, I distinctly remember bringing home an art project from school that I had worked so hard on and being so proud to show it to her. She looked it over and said "don't worry, we can fix it." She then proceeded to take it apart and redo it so it would be "better." Crush. Gee, is it any wonder that I am a perfectionist now?

I'm in the midst of another "issue" with her right now and I'm hurting. There is a lot of history that goes into explaining it and I'm just not up to typing it all tonight. Suffice it to say that I'm upset with her, but I'm more upset with myself because I continue to allow her to hurt me. I'm chasing something that I will never have, and aching for a healthy relationship with my mother. I know that people who have lost their mothers would give anything to be in my shoes and would gladly have an issue with their mothers just to have them back. I totally understand that and I am thankful to have her in my life but it hurts nonetheless. Guess I'm just feeling raw tonight.

Monday, January 10, 2011

No More Excuses

I haven't been to the gym in a long time. Like, a long time. I've been overweight my whole life and was pretty much in denial. I got sick quite often and my knees hurt constantly but I always blamed it on other things. I'd rationalize that I was a teacher, so I was constantly exposed to germs. I had a 3 wheeler accident in high school and messed up my knee so I'd attribute the pain to that. Maybe so, but it was also compounded by the extra weight. I also have PCOS, which makes it hard to lose weight and it was very difficult for me to get pregnant. I did not have an easy pregnancy, and I developed gestational diabetes. After having my son, I developed PPD and lost some weight because I was unable to eat. After overcoming the PPD, life settled into a routine and I started putting on more weight. In December of 2009 I finally had to admit that I wasn't healthy and had bloodwork done. I was diagnosed with type II diab.etes and I was terrified. My doctor said that it was possible to "shrink my way out of it," so I threw myself full force into losing weight. We joined the Y and bought a W.ii and I started eating healthier foods. I lost about 50 pounds by June and at my next doctors appointment she told me I was no longer considered diabet.ic! Because of the PCOS I will always be considered insu.lin resistant but I was so happy and proud of myself. We had a busy summer and I gradually stopped going to the gym. I continued eating pretty well and gave myself permission to "maintain" for awhile. Well, that stretched into a long time and soon the holidays were upon us. And we all know what that means. I started to feel the weight coming back, but swore I'd start up again after the holidays, definitely at the first of the year. Then I got my per.iod and gave myself until that was over. Yep, the same old drill. Well, it's now time to face the music. I have put about 8-9 pounds back on and that is unacceptable. I'm still 40 pounds lighter but I can feel a difference in my body. My knees had stopped hurting for the most part and now they are aching again. I am starting to slow down and I've been moodier. Could it be that I actually miss exercise? Crazy from someone like me, but it seems to be true. So, starting tonight I am recommitting to getting healthy. Back to the gym, no more excuses. Wish me luck!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Lonely (Alternate title: I'm pathetic)

We moved here (PA) from Virginia in April of 2009 to be closer to my family. I had terrible post partum depression after having my son and the place we lived was so remote that I felt utterly alone. We had very good friends and a wonderful church but they suddenly felt so very far away. I was terrified to be alone with my son, and yet petrified of taking him anywhere. I can see now, of course, that it was the PPD wreaking havoc with my mind and body but at the time I felt so very isolated. I have always wanted the Norman Rockwell type of family that is so close and loving. My family is just not that way. Of course that hasn't stopped me from striving for that. So while I was knee deep in the PPD I talked to my mother a lot and somehow convinced myself that I needed to be closer to her, for my sake and for my son as well. My husband was very against moving and said we could discuss it again in a year. He knew I was fighting the PPD and was still very hormonal. He also knows how my family is and can see them much more objectively than I can. I refused to give up though, and he has never been able to say no to me so we decided that we would "look into" moving. The hope of moving and suqsequent packing gave me something to look forward to and focus on and I started climbing out of the pit of PPD. Things fell into place and we ended up buying my aunt's house, which had been my grandparents' before that. It's the house my mother grew up in and our son took his first steps in the same house as his grandmother did. How's that for Rockwell-ish?
     Long story short(er), things have not been as picture perfect as I had hoped they would be. My mother hasn't changed. My parents adore J but they don't help out as much as I had thought they would. Part of that is admittedly my fault; I don't ask them to watch him unless I have a doctor or dentist appointment. I also became very self reliant in VA because I had no choice. I also have huge control issues that I won't get into right now. All of that leads (finally) to the point of this post: I am lonely. This area is very different from where we lived in VA. We have not made any friends here yet, which is the longest we have ever gone without having friends. I still talk to my "old" friends on the phone and on Facebook but I'm hoping to make some friends here that we can get together with. We have not found the right church for us, which also contributes to not having made any friends yet. People here just don't seem as friendly and I'm not sure exactly how to go about making friends as an adult. We've always made friends through our church or our jobs or with neighbors. I'm a stay-at-home mom and my husband works at a small business and doesn't have much in common with his few coworkers. I don't want to sound conceited (I'm truly not), but our neighbors are not the type of people we'd feel comfortable socializing with either. I take J to a children's center and play group sometimes and the other moms are either very standoffish or very "exclusive." I'm beginning to wonder if I'm giving off a bad vibe or if I appear unfriendly. I am shy, which I suppose could be seen as standoffishness. One of my New Years resolutions is to really make an effort to make friends and put myself out there. That's part of my reason for starting this blog and I hope to "meet" people through it. Maybe I'll resort to passing someone a note that says "Do you want to be my friend? Check Yes or No." Pathetic? Perhaps.

Thursday, January 6, 2011


Remember in grade school gym class when you made an error and could get a do-over? Wouldn't it be nice if we could get do-overs in real life? I'd like to do today over. I'm in a crabby mood, not sure why. Just finished my period, so it's probably hormonal. I snapped at J several times over inconsequential things. I hate when I do that; he deserves better. I have quite a temper and, though I try to control it, sometimes I get angry over the dumbest things. There are times when I can "see" myself overreacting, almost like watching a movie, yet it seems almost impossible to stop. I pray every night for patience and calmness and I want to be better. My dad has a fiery temper and I can see it in myself as well as in my brother and sister. I desperately want to break the cycle and I am trying. Some days are harder than others, today being one of the harder days. J is napping right now and I'm trying to snap myself out of this mood so that the rest of the day will go better. Here's hoping!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

30 month checkup

Since I'm avoiding the things I "should" be doing, I thought I'd pop in here and write a quick post. Took J to the doctor for his 30 month check-up today. He's 38 1/2 inches tall and weighs 31.8 pounds. That's the 90th percentile for height and the 80th percentile for weight. Not bad for a preemie! He was born by emergency cesarean section at 35 weeks 5 days because of problems with the blood flow in his cord. He weighed 5 pounds 12 ounces when he was born. He had no problems at birth other than they thought he might be developing jaundice (he didn't) so he stayed one extra night as a precaution. My mom still swears they got his due date wrong and he was full term. I am so incredibly thankful for him!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Finally made my own blog.

Hello there and welcome to "my" little corner of the internet. My name is Angela. I don't really have any expectations for this blog yet; guess I'll just see where it goes.  I love reading blogs and have thought about creating my own for some time now. Not because I find myself particularly interesting, but because it seems like a great way to chronicle daily life and perhaps my son can read it someday. I have a wide variety of interests and I fall in love with people and things quickly; my husband likes to say I could develop an emotional attachment to a pencil eraser. I also love beautiful (in my eyes) things, and my husband says I am easily distracted by "shiny" things, hence the title of this blog. Not going to write too much more until I see where this will lead. If anyone reads this, I want to keep you interested, maintain an air of mystery so to speak. LOL. And if nobody but me reads this, well I know all about me already. Have a blessed day.