Monday, August 8, 2011

The poo hit the fan

I just had a "conversation" with my mother via I.M and I am beside myself right now. I had planned on not telling her that we want to move. It is financially impossible right now anyway so why bother?  Well, she gave me such grief about not going to the family reunion that I just caved. Blabbed. Spilled the beans. Sang like a canary. Whatever you want to call it, I told her we are very unhappy here and that we want to move when we can afford it. Of course everything became about HER because everything in the world is about HER. She said she is not happy here either and she wants to move too. And then the "poor me" started and the guilt trip. She actually said "I guess I'm not worthy of anyone's love." Where does that even come from? How does the fact that we want to move mean she is unlovable? My whole life, she has done stuff like this. If anyone dares have an opinion or a goal different from hers, it becomes an attack on her and she gets very dramatic. I cannot count the number of times she threatened suicide or said she was leaving. Then she would either lock herself in her bedroom or go speeding off in her car, leaving all of us in fear that this time she might actually do it. I used to fall for her game and I'd go running after her and tell her she was right all along and she was the best mother ever. I'd sob outside her locked door that I was sorry and I'd never do "it" again.  Somewhere along the way I lost interest in this game. I refuse to chase after her anymore, literally or figuratively. I am living my life and I refuse to apologize for that. In tonight's "conversation" she again threatened to leave, to move far away from everybody, including my father. She tried to take the blame for our unhappiness here, saying they weren't "filling our need." I told her that she is not responsible for my happiness and I don't blame her. To be honest though, I do somewhat blame her because she sold us a fairytale to convince us to move here. But I blame myself most of all. This was my decision and I have to live with it, at least for now. Not sure how things will play out from here on, but I'm sure it will be interesting.

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