Sunday, July 31, 2011

I should have known better

I am having serious regrets about moving here and it is tearing me up. At the time "we" made the decision to move, I was battling post-par.tum depression and was definitely not in my right mind. I've always wanted a close, loving family. You know the type: they get together for Sunday dinners after church, they spend holidays together enjoying each other's company and they genuinely care about each other. This is not the way my family is. They never have and never will be. I know this all too well and I've come to accept it over the years. And then came the ppd and it knocked me for a loop. I  have never been that anxious, lonely, depressed or scared in my life. I reached out to my mother for comfort out of instinct and she sold me a story of how wonderful things would be if we'd move closer to her. My poor husband also knows how my family is and yet, after convincing myself, I convinced him that things would be different this time. Bless his heart, he agreed to the move because he hoped it would make me happier. Long story short, it cost us a great deal financially to make the move. Our house did eventually sell, but for less than it would have in a better market. We incurred a lot of debt in the move and haven't made much progress digging out because I wasn't working. I had another very painful "conversation" with my mother via IM the other night and I have just had enough. Enough of the drama, enough of the pain, enough of trying to find something that is just not there. I truly think I have reached the point where I am just done. I'm over it. I wish I could have a loving relationship with my mother, I really do. But I just don't think it's possible. And at this stage in my life I think I'm just done running up against that brick wall. After "talking" to her, I went to my husband in tears and told him I want to move. Again. He tried to calm me down, and gently said it's just not financially possible right now, but that we could set it as a goal for a few years. It's hard to believe that I am at this "desperate" place yet again. I feel like this move was a mistake and I don't like it here at all. The "family" that my mother said was so eager to welcome us has been virtually non-existent. This Saturday is the annual family reunion and I've decided not to go because last year almost nobody spoke to us. So, my family of three is going to spend the day going to yard sales and the flea market and I know we'll have a great time. Now that I have overcome the ppd, I can clearly see once again that my husband and my son are the only family I need. Also, I've been spending a lot of time on real.tor dot com. Just sayin'. Who knows where we'll end up next? I think this time I'll let R make the decision.


Jen said...

I have always been jealous of people with large close families. My Dad was an only only child and we don't really have any extended family on his side and my Mom had a brother and sister but they sort of disowned her.

I always try to keep my little family together but it is hard.

Are you talking to someone outside of R and the blog to get some of these things off of your chest? Maybe it would be good.

Angela said...

Jen, right now R and this blog are my main support system. I'm sure I'd benefit from counseling as I know I have MANY issues to work through but it's just not financially possible right now. Thanks for the advice!