Tuesday, November 1, 2011

So scared

   Gosh, it seems like forever since I've written here. So much is going on (good and bad) but right now the thing that is consuming me is John's health. He has had an enlarged lymph node on his neck for as long as I can remember. When he turns his head it is very noticeable. At his 2 year checkup last year I asked his doctor about it and he said that it was somewhat common and that they aren't really concerned about it until the child is 12 or so. I pretty much forgot all about it until the latest ENT visit where there were concerns about the size of his tonsils. The "underling" recommended surgery to remove them but I requested to see the actual doctor and he said that because John is having no symptoms he recommends waiting because they usually resolve on their own as kids grow. I mentioned the lymph node to him and he felt it and also felt a couple on the other side of John's neck as well. He said that they were all separate which is a good sign, and recommended just monitoring them. I accepted this also and pretty much didn't give them a second thought. For some reason last weekend my eyes were drawn to John's neck as he played and I was just struck with panic over it. Not really sure why. It really rattled me because, as I said, I hadn't thought much about it. Even though I know better, I started goo.gling and pretty much threw myself into a full blown anxiety attack over the possibility that it could be cancer. Then I remembered that my uncle (dad's brother) had Hodg.kins disease and that just sent me over the edge. I talked it over with Russ and we decided that at John's next ENT appointment (12/22) I would mention the family history and ask whether we should really be concerned. Then I started thinking about how tonsils are part of the lymphatic system and wondering if it could be related. From there I started goog.ling symptoms of lym.phoma. In the early stages there are few symptoms but they include enlarged lymph nodes and night sweats. John does sweat sometimes when he sleeps but I'm not sure it could be classified as night sweats since it primarily involves just his head and not his entire body. At this point I've worked myself into some serious anxiety and I knew I'd never be able to wait until December so I am taking him to his pediatrician tomorrow to discuss it with the new information about family history and I'd like to have it measured so we have a baseline to determine if it gets larger or smaller. I am praying that he tells me I'm over-reacting but I'm also truly terrified that there is a reason it popped into my head last weekend. I'm so very scared but I'm doing my best to trust God and stop worrying.

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