Monday, July 29, 2013
I apologize
I apologize if yesterday's post was too personal, or too difficult to read. I honestly wrote it mainly for myself, as a way to release the details so I don't have to try and remember them. Losing Mary has been so very difficult, and I don't think any of us has fully processed it yet. I know that I haven't. I lost not only my mother-in-law, but one of the best friends I've ever had. It's hard to explain what Mary meant to me; she has been more of a mother to me that my own and it's a profound loss to not have her here.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Not where I thought we'd be a year later.
I can hardly believe it has been more than a year since I've posted anything here. So much has happened in the past year. Some good and some bad. Some very, very bad. I've thought about posting many times but there is just so much to talk about that it was daunting and I put it off. I think I'm ready now. This will be a very long post and very difficult to write. I'm writing it as a release and for John to read someday.
I will try to write about other events of the year in later posts, but by far the worst thing that happened was that we lost Mary, my mother in law. She was having severe pain in her left arm in early January and I took her to the ER on a Sunday night. They immediately hooked her up to an ekg machine and did all kinds of tests on her heart, given her age and the fact that left arm pain often indicates a heart attack. They also took x-rays of her arm. The tests came back fine and they put her arm in a sling and gave her pain medication and told her to follow up with her regular doctor. The next day I took her to her regular doctor who could not make a diagnosis either and she referred Mary to a physiatrist, which is a doctor that specializes in physical medicine and pain management. While we were at the doctors office, we discussed our concerns about Alzheimer, because Mary was finally ready to admit that there was a problem. Her doctor is a wonderful woman and she took our concerns seriously and suggested we pursue this after we got the issue with her arm pain resolved. We made an appointment with the physiatrist for Thursday.
The next day (Tuesday), Mary developed a cough and it got progressively worse. By Thursday, we had to cancel the appointment with the physiatrist and she called an ambulance to take her to the hospital that night because Russ was working and John was very sick and she didn't want me to take him out in the cold. I kept calling the hospital to get updates; they initially said that her x-rays didn't show any pneumonia but they wanted to keep her for observation and do further testing on her arm because by this point she was in excruciating pain. It was well into the wee hours of the morning before she was settled into a room. I spoke with her the next morning (Friday) and she sounded tired but felt a bit better after the breathing treatments they gave her. Russ went to work because she insisted that she was fine and would be better by herself to rest. I called Deb (Russ' sister) to let her know what was going on. John had gotten worse and I wasn't able to go to the hospital either. That evening I called to get an update and was told by the nurse that Mary did indeed have pneumonia in both lungs and it was very bad. They mentioned the possibility of intubating her as she was having trouble breathing. I called Russ at work and he headed to the hospital immediately. I called Deb and she said she would come too. She lives 4 hours away and had to go home and pack some essentials and would be on her way. I made the decision to call Russ' brothers, even though they are estranged from Mary and have been for years. Ken took it badly and started to cry. I gave him what information I had and he thanked me for calling him. Deb arrived later that evening and headed to the hospital and then came back to our house to sleep for a bit.
The next morning (Saturday) John was much worse so I took him to the ER. They determined that he had strep throat and gave him an antibiotic. Russ came downstairs to the ER from Mary's room and I gave him clean clothes because he was planning on staying with Mary as long as needed. Mary was feeling a little better but she was unable to sleep at all. She was on oxygen and she kept trying to remove the mask to talk and she was very agitated. She was very concerned about John and she was convinced that he had caught it from her. Russ called me so I could tell her that he was ok and that he had strep throat which was entirely different and he couldn't have caught it from her. This relaxed her for a little bit but she soon became agitated again and wouldn't rest. Russ and Deb traded off time at the hospital. Russ also brought Don over to see him, which was very hard on Don. He also had a cough himself, so he didn't stay long. Deb's daughter Shanna came up from Virginia and they spent Saturday night at the hospital with Mary so Russ could come home to sleep and spend some time with John. I was the central contact and I got updates and then would pass them along to the rest of the family. Russ' other brother was completely uninterested so I stopped calling to update him. Ken insisted that his daughter Brianna not be told what was going on because she was at college and he didn't want her to be too upset to go to class. Ken came to visit her but it upset her so much that she told Russ not to let him come back.
The weekend was a roller coaster; Mary would take a turn for the worse and I'd let everyone know and then she'd rebound again and I'd call them back again with better news. I was desperate to get to the hospital to see her, so on Sunday I headed over. Deb and Shanna had spent the night with her and she was doing a bit better. She had been asking for me but also insisted that I not come because John needed me. Her face lit up when I came in the room. Almost immediately, a doctor came in and he said that he had looked over her chart and it looked like she had indeed suffered a heart attack. Mary immediately panicked and her oxygen levels dropped. She got extremely agitated and started having real trouble breathing. I laid into the doctor for saying this in front of her and told him to leave the room. Mary's nurse said it looked as though she was going to need to be intubated. Mary had a dnr and an advanced directive, but Russ and Don had power of attorney and so they had to make a decision if she was unable. He needed to be there so I left so we could switch places. I didn't even have time to speak with Mary, but I told her I'd be back as soon as I could. After a bit, Mary stabilized again and they didn't have to intubate her. Mary did agree to be intubated as long as the doctors felt that she had a chance of being extubated eventually.
At this point, Mary started to lose touch with reality and retreat into her own world. She was still very agitated and the doctors were not able to sedate her enough to let her sleep because it would suppress her breathing even further. Her body was starting to break down because she wasn't able to rest. On Monday, the doctors inserted a picc line to make it easier to administer antibiotics. She was doing a bit better after that but still agitated. She was doing so much better that Deb and Shanna decided to head home and return the following weekend. We all believed that Mary had turned the corner. Her mental state was still altered but we chalked it up to sheer exhaustion and lack of sleep.
John was feeling much better by Tuesday and he was still on antibiotics so Mary's doctor said he could come visit because he wasn't contagious and was unlikely to catch anything from Mary. He suggested we put a mask on him just to be safe. We picked up Don and headed over to see her. She was very happy to see John and I but I'm not sure she knew who we were. Don had a hard time with his emotions and Russ and John went to sit with him in the family room while I had a few minutes with Mary. Her eyes were closed and she was having conversations with someone from the past. It was like she was reliving her life and it made me realize how bad she really was. Her doctor came in and Don and Russ came back to speak with her. She told us quite plainly that Mary was in very bad shape and unlikely to recover. She said that Mary had, in a moment of clarity, refused to be intubated. If it was to be done, Russ or Don would have to authorize it against her wishes. The doctor also said it was unlikely that she would recover enough to ever be extubated and she could linger on a respirator, which she always made us promise not to let happen to her. Basically, the doctor told us that there really wasn't much else they could do for her; another set of x-rays had showed that the pneumonia had gotten far worse. Russ asked the doctor if they could make her comfortable and allow it to happen. The doctor said they could give her pain medication and that she would most likely just stop breathing. Don couldn't bear to stay, so we gave him time to say goodbye to her and then I brought John in and he kissed her. She was almost in a childlike state at this point and she waved to him and said "I'll see you later." That was one of the hardest moments of my life. Then Russ took John and Don to the family room and I had a few moments with Mary. Her eyes were still closed and she was talking constantly about things that made sense only to her. I kissed her and I promised that I would take care of everyone for her. John and I took Don home and Russ stayed with Mary. He called Deb and she immediately headed back but she didn't make it in time. Within a few hours, Mary passed away. Russ was with her, holding her hand. He said it was not a gentle passing; she remained agitated until nearly the end. He called me when she passed; we were at Don's. John was watching a movie and Don and I were sitting at the kitchen table. I had to look in the eyes of the man I love like he was my own father and break his heart. Don asked me to call their friends and tell them. It was terrible.
We are still reeling from the loss of Mary six months later. I will most likely write other posts about the funeral and Russ' siblings. For now, this is all I can handle emotionally on this subject. I have missed this blog and I'm hoping to write more frequently and about happier subjects. John turned five (how is that even possible?) last month and will be starting kindergarten in September! Welcome back little blog, I've missed you.
I will try to write about other events of the year in later posts, but by far the worst thing that happened was that we lost Mary, my mother in law. She was having severe pain in her left arm in early January and I took her to the ER on a Sunday night. They immediately hooked her up to an ekg machine and did all kinds of tests on her heart, given her age and the fact that left arm pain often indicates a heart attack. They also took x-rays of her arm. The tests came back fine and they put her arm in a sling and gave her pain medication and told her to follow up with her regular doctor. The next day I took her to her regular doctor who could not make a diagnosis either and she referred Mary to a physiatrist, which is a doctor that specializes in physical medicine and pain management. While we were at the doctors office, we discussed our concerns about Alzheimer, because Mary was finally ready to admit that there was a problem. Her doctor is a wonderful woman and she took our concerns seriously and suggested we pursue this after we got the issue with her arm pain resolved. We made an appointment with the physiatrist for Thursday.
The next day (Tuesday), Mary developed a cough and it got progressively worse. By Thursday, we had to cancel the appointment with the physiatrist and she called an ambulance to take her to the hospital that night because Russ was working and John was very sick and she didn't want me to take him out in the cold. I kept calling the hospital to get updates; they initially said that her x-rays didn't show any pneumonia but they wanted to keep her for observation and do further testing on her arm because by this point she was in excruciating pain. It was well into the wee hours of the morning before she was settled into a room. I spoke with her the next morning (Friday) and she sounded tired but felt a bit better after the breathing treatments they gave her. Russ went to work because she insisted that she was fine and would be better by herself to rest. I called Deb (Russ' sister) to let her know what was going on. John had gotten worse and I wasn't able to go to the hospital either. That evening I called to get an update and was told by the nurse that Mary did indeed have pneumonia in both lungs and it was very bad. They mentioned the possibility of intubating her as she was having trouble breathing. I called Russ at work and he headed to the hospital immediately. I called Deb and she said she would come too. She lives 4 hours away and had to go home and pack some essentials and would be on her way. I made the decision to call Russ' brothers, even though they are estranged from Mary and have been for years. Ken took it badly and started to cry. I gave him what information I had and he thanked me for calling him. Deb arrived later that evening and headed to the hospital and then came back to our house to sleep for a bit.
The next morning (Saturday) John was much worse so I took him to the ER. They determined that he had strep throat and gave him an antibiotic. Russ came downstairs to the ER from Mary's room and I gave him clean clothes because he was planning on staying with Mary as long as needed. Mary was feeling a little better but she was unable to sleep at all. She was on oxygen and she kept trying to remove the mask to talk and she was very agitated. She was very concerned about John and she was convinced that he had caught it from her. Russ called me so I could tell her that he was ok and that he had strep throat which was entirely different and he couldn't have caught it from her. This relaxed her for a little bit but she soon became agitated again and wouldn't rest. Russ and Deb traded off time at the hospital. Russ also brought Don over to see him, which was very hard on Don. He also had a cough himself, so he didn't stay long. Deb's daughter Shanna came up from Virginia and they spent Saturday night at the hospital with Mary so Russ could come home to sleep and spend some time with John. I was the central contact and I got updates and then would pass them along to the rest of the family. Russ' other brother was completely uninterested so I stopped calling to update him. Ken insisted that his daughter Brianna not be told what was going on because she was at college and he didn't want her to be too upset to go to class. Ken came to visit her but it upset her so much that she told Russ not to let him come back.
The weekend was a roller coaster; Mary would take a turn for the worse and I'd let everyone know and then she'd rebound again and I'd call them back again with better news. I was desperate to get to the hospital to see her, so on Sunday I headed over. Deb and Shanna had spent the night with her and she was doing a bit better. She had been asking for me but also insisted that I not come because John needed me. Her face lit up when I came in the room. Almost immediately, a doctor came in and he said that he had looked over her chart and it looked like she had indeed suffered a heart attack. Mary immediately panicked and her oxygen levels dropped. She got extremely agitated and started having real trouble breathing. I laid into the doctor for saying this in front of her and told him to leave the room. Mary's nurse said it looked as though she was going to need to be intubated. Mary had a dnr and an advanced directive, but Russ and Don had power of attorney and so they had to make a decision if she was unable. He needed to be there so I left so we could switch places. I didn't even have time to speak with Mary, but I told her I'd be back as soon as I could. After a bit, Mary stabilized again and they didn't have to intubate her. Mary did agree to be intubated as long as the doctors felt that she had a chance of being extubated eventually.
At this point, Mary started to lose touch with reality and retreat into her own world. She was still very agitated and the doctors were not able to sedate her enough to let her sleep because it would suppress her breathing even further. Her body was starting to break down because she wasn't able to rest. On Monday, the doctors inserted a picc line to make it easier to administer antibiotics. She was doing a bit better after that but still agitated. She was doing so much better that Deb and Shanna decided to head home and return the following weekend. We all believed that Mary had turned the corner. Her mental state was still altered but we chalked it up to sheer exhaustion and lack of sleep.
John was feeling much better by Tuesday and he was still on antibiotics so Mary's doctor said he could come visit because he wasn't contagious and was unlikely to catch anything from Mary. He suggested we put a mask on him just to be safe. We picked up Don and headed over to see her. She was very happy to see John and I but I'm not sure she knew who we were. Don had a hard time with his emotions and Russ and John went to sit with him in the family room while I had a few minutes with Mary. Her eyes were closed and she was having conversations with someone from the past. It was like she was reliving her life and it made me realize how bad she really was. Her doctor came in and Don and Russ came back to speak with her. She told us quite plainly that Mary was in very bad shape and unlikely to recover. She said that Mary had, in a moment of clarity, refused to be intubated. If it was to be done, Russ or Don would have to authorize it against her wishes. The doctor also said it was unlikely that she would recover enough to ever be extubated and she could linger on a respirator, which she always made us promise not to let happen to her. Basically, the doctor told us that there really wasn't much else they could do for her; another set of x-rays had showed that the pneumonia had gotten far worse. Russ asked the doctor if they could make her comfortable and allow it to happen. The doctor said they could give her pain medication and that she would most likely just stop breathing. Don couldn't bear to stay, so we gave him time to say goodbye to her and then I brought John in and he kissed her. She was almost in a childlike state at this point and she waved to him and said "I'll see you later." That was one of the hardest moments of my life. Then Russ took John and Don to the family room and I had a few moments with Mary. Her eyes were still closed and she was talking constantly about things that made sense only to her. I kissed her and I promised that I would take care of everyone for her. John and I took Don home and Russ stayed with Mary. He called Deb and she immediately headed back but she didn't make it in time. Within a few hours, Mary passed away. Russ was with her, holding her hand. He said it was not a gentle passing; she remained agitated until nearly the end. He called me when she passed; we were at Don's. John was watching a movie and Don and I were sitting at the kitchen table. I had to look in the eyes of the man I love like he was my own father and break his heart. Don asked me to call their friends and tell them. It was terrible.
We are still reeling from the loss of Mary six months later. I will most likely write other posts about the funeral and Russ' siblings. For now, this is all I can handle emotionally on this subject. I have missed this blog and I'm hoping to write more frequently and about happier subjects. John turned five (how is that even possible?) last month and will be starting kindergarten in September! Welcome back little blog, I've missed you.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
John at four years old
I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that my sweet little baby is four years old. Well, officially he will be at 11:03 tonight. I sometimes wish I'd started this blog when he was an infant so I could have done those "you're 3 months old today" posts. With the post-partum depression I was suffering, however, I'm not sure I'd like to read what I might have written then. I'm in a much better place now and this post is for you John. I am so blessed to be your mama and I thank God for you every day. In bulleted form, this is what you are like at four years old.
- You are so smart and constantly ask questions. You want to understand everything and your thinking is so very deep for your age. Daddy and I have never "baby talked" to you and your comprehension is incredible.
- Right now your favorites are Scooby Doo and superheroes and your play is so imaginative. You play great on your own and you also love playing with us or with other kids.
- You are so open with people and everyone responds to you when we go anywhere. You have a sweet personality that just draws people in and makes them fall in love with you.
- You are a very sweet, loving boy. We went to the chinese buffet for dinner tonight and the waitresses sang to you for your first time and you were thrilled. You kept saying how nice of them it was and how special.
- You love to give hugs and kisses, even to people you don't know. Your joy is contagious and you spread love wherever you go.
- You have been dressing yourself for months. You are quite independent and love to do things on your own. You recently started opening the car door yourself and buckling your own car seat. You love cooking with me and you are a big help to Daddy. You love working with tools and helping Daddy fix things.
- You recently got glasses and you have adjusted well to them.
- Your laugh is contagious and it just cracks me and daddy up. You have started saying "get it?" about things that make no sense to us but you think it's hysterical.
- You are learning compassion for people from seeing us do things for others. We cook meals for Nana and Pop several times a week and you love to run in the door shouting "meals on wheels!" We brought food to a sick friend and when you hear that someone is sick you tell us we should bring them soup and cookies.
- You are very generous and giving. You and Daddy were at the hardware store the other day and you saw a hummingbird spinner ornament and you told him you wanted to get it for me because I love hummingbirds. You were so pleased with yourself when you brought it to me and I was so touched. When your friends come over you share all your toys, even though we give you the option of putting away ones that are special to you.
- You love watching tv and we have to limit how much you watch. We borrow movies from the library every week and you can hardly wait to get home to watch one. You also enjoy playing on my computer and you are so good at controlling the mouse.
- You have always been a great eater. You love my cooking and especially my baking. You are good about trying new things and you love most vegetables.
- You are my sugarlump and you will always be my baby, no matter how big you get. I love you with every fiber of my being and I am so grateful that I get to be your mama.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Wonderful Day
Today was a great day! It was one of those days that you store in your heart and wrap yourself up in the memory of when things are difficult. Russ was off today and we decided to take John to a zoo for the first time. We went to a small, private zoo that Russ and I used to go to years ago. You can feed the animals and we knew he would love it. Boy did he ever! He thought it was hysterical to see the monkeys wait at the bottom of the tube for their treats. I fell head over heels in love with one of the monkeys and could have easily spent all day feeding her by hand. She was so sweet and gentle and would take each piece from my hand so delicately. She had the softest, sweetest little hands, oh my goodness I wanted to take her home. Seriously, I am a sucker for animals. Omg those tiny monkey fingers! Ok, moving on. The zoo had a fire recently and tragically a mother and baby giraffe were killed. They are rebuilding the giraffe house and the surviving ones are at another zoo until it is complete. We promised John we could go back and see the giraffes when they return. The weather was just perfect and we really enjoyed ourselves.
After the zoo we went to the flea market because one of the stores sells party supplies and I wanted to get some more things for John's party. We also bought donuts from the Amish market which are sinfully delicious. While we were having lunch, one of the Amish girls walked by texting on a pink smart phone. I know that the Amish ways have changed but I didn't think they had changed that much! It was just such a shock to see that, and I don't know why but it made me a little sad too.
Our town has started a farmers market on Fridays and when we got home we decided to walk downtown and check it out. There were very few stands but there were paddle boats and we decided to take John for a ride on the lake. He loved it! It was wonderful to see his face just beaming, enjoying himself so much. On our walk home I heard someone calling our names and I turned to see a guy on a motorcycle making a turn but I didn't recognize him. Russ didn't hear it but I told him that the guy nearly tipped his bike trying to see us. I said I'll bet he comes around the corner and sure enough he did and it was our neighbor from when we lived here years ago! We haven't seen him in years and he thought we were still in Virginia. We spent a few minutes catching up and made plans to get together soon.
Each moment of today was so special and it was wonderful to spend time enjoying my family of three. My heart is so full right now and I am grateful for God's blessings in my life.
After the zoo we went to the flea market because one of the stores sells party supplies and I wanted to get some more things for John's party. We also bought donuts from the Amish market which are sinfully delicious. While we were having lunch, one of the Amish girls walked by texting on a pink smart phone. I know that the Amish ways have changed but I didn't think they had changed that much! It was just such a shock to see that, and I don't know why but it made me a little sad too.
Our town has started a farmers market on Fridays and when we got home we decided to walk downtown and check it out. There were very few stands but there were paddle boats and we decided to take John for a ride on the lake. He loved it! It was wonderful to see his face just beaming, enjoying himself so much. On our walk home I heard someone calling our names and I turned to see a guy on a motorcycle making a turn but I didn't recognize him. Russ didn't hear it but I told him that the guy nearly tipped his bike trying to see us. I said I'll bet he comes around the corner and sure enough he did and it was our neighbor from when we lived here years ago! We haven't seen him in years and he thought we were still in Virginia. We spent a few minutes catching up and made plans to get together soon.
Each moment of today was so special and it was wonderful to spend time enjoying my family of three. My heart is so full right now and I am grateful for God's blessings in my life.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Party planning and pictures
So John has chosen Sco.oby Doo for his party theme. He was waffling between that and superheroes for awhile but I finally had to make him choose so I could start ordering things and planning. I've found some really cute ideas online and have a few of my own, so I think it will be awesome. Since we haven't been here that long and he's not in preschool yet, he really only has two good friends and one will be out of town the day of the party. But we have family coming and I know he will have a great time. He's so excited about it!
I took John to the mall to have his picture taken on Friday. We're not ones to get professional photos taken but we do it for his birthday. Call me corny but I like the giant plastic numbers they have! He has always been "difficult" when we take him. I don't know if he gets nervous or what but they really have to work to get a good smile out of him. This year was no exception. The girl kept trying to get him to smile and show his teeth but he kept pursing his lips. I told her it was fine but she kept trying to tickle him to get him to grin and he would but she would miss it. I'm also not a fan of some of the goofy (in my opinion) poses they do so I wouldn't let her force him to do it. I want a photo that reflects him, not how they think he should pose. I have plenty of candid photos of his big cheesy grin.
We went to a free "youth appreciation" day at the Elks lodge yesterday. He had a ball on the inflatable jumping things, enjoyed eating junk, and got his face painted for the first time. Love this boy.
I took John to the mall to have his picture taken on Friday. We're not ones to get professional photos taken but we do it for his birthday. Call me corny but I like the giant plastic numbers they have! He has always been "difficult" when we take him. I don't know if he gets nervous or what but they really have to work to get a good smile out of him. This year was no exception. The girl kept trying to get him to smile and show his teeth but he kept pursing his lips. I told her it was fine but she kept trying to tickle him to get him to grin and he would but she would miss it. I'm also not a fan of some of the goofy (in my opinion) poses they do so I wouldn't let her force him to do it. I want a photo that reflects him, not how they think he should pose. I have plenty of candid photos of his big cheesy grin.
We went to a free "youth appreciation" day at the Elks lodge yesterday. He had a ball on the inflatable jumping things, enjoyed eating junk, and got his face painted for the first time. Love this boy.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
My knight in shiny armor
As predicted, John loved the Renaissance Faire! It was a very small one, but he was thrilled. They had jousting and he was so impressed. There were battle demonstrations and the actors actually let him play along. He even got to try on a helmet that probably weighed as much as he does! I love to encourage his interests and to see him enjoying himself so much made it such a special day!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
John-isms
My son John will be 4 years old next month. Just writing that amazes me. After battling infertility for more than 3 years I can hardly believe he's here, let alone about to turn 4! He is an amazing boy and I am in complete awe of him. He is friendly to everyone, smart as a whip, and cute as a button. (yes I'm biased) He has started to ask questions that are sometimes difficult for me to answer. We have never "talked down" to him and we use real words with him for everything, including body parts. He understands so much and wants to learn more. He has been asking a lot about Heaven and Hell lately. The other day he asked me how angels get a bath. I told him that I didn't know. He thought a moment and said "maybe God licks them." My MIL's cats recently had kittens and he has been watching the mother cat care for them. The more I thought about it, the more I loved his theory. It paints God as our loving father who cares for us gently and attends to our every need. John understands things so well for his age.
The other day Russ and John were playing and Russ put a shoebox on his head sideways. John looked at him and said "that looks like Napoleon's hat." We watched Night at the mu.seum and he made that connection himself. Amazing.
John is very interested in knights. There is a renaissance fair at the county park this weekend and we're taking him tomorrow. I'm pretty sure he will be blown away and I can't wait to experience this with him. He's an amazing kid and I'm so blessed to be his mother!
The other day Russ and John were playing and Russ put a shoebox on his head sideways. John looked at him and said "that looks like Napoleon's hat." We watched Night at the mu.seum and he made that connection himself. Amazing.
John is very interested in knights. There is a renaissance fair at the county park this weekend and we're taking him tomorrow. I'm pretty sure he will be blown away and I can't wait to experience this with him. He's an amazing kid and I'm so blessed to be his mother!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Mourning a friend
When I signed onto Fa.cebook this morning, I read a post from my friend Patty from Virginia that said she was lucky to have been married to such a wonderful man and that she would miss him terribly. I couldn't fathom what she was saying, so I read her wall and there were numerous postings offering condolences on the loss of her husband Fred in an accident. Someone had posted a link to the news story and I watched it in disbelief. Fred had picked up a load of donated furniture for their church's yard sale and as he was driving some pieces fell from his truck into the road. He stopped to retrieve them and a state trooper also stopped to assist him, putting his flashing lights on. A car evidently "lost control" somehow and slammed into them. Fred was taken to the hospital by ambulance and died a short time later. The trooper was life flighted and is currently in serious condition. This was at 1:30 in the afternoon on a four lane road with perfect visibility. What a senseless tragedy. Patty called me this morning to make sure I had heard and to say she is devastated would be an understatement. She said it really hit her at 4:00 this morning when she stretched her arm across the bed and he wasn't there. My heart is breaking for her, their two sons and their young grand daughter. Fred was very active in his church and his faith was strong so I have no doubt that he is in heaven but his family is just broken right now. Patty and Fred have been very close friends of ours for years and I still cannot believe that he is gone. The funeral is Saturday and it breaks my heart but we won't be able to go. Russ just started his job and wouldn't be paid for time off, and the gas would be so expensive (6+ hours each way.) I hate that it comes down to money but Patty understands and knows we are praying for her. When tragedies like this happen, it really puts things into perspective. What had seemed so difficult is now so trivial. We need to treasure our loved ones while we have them, because we are not guaranteed another minute. Rest in peace my dear friend, you will be missed.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Adjusting
Russ was hired at a warehouse as a "temporary" employee. That basically means he was hired for 90 days to see if he would work out and if there were any full-time positions after the 90 days, he could apply but he wasn't guaranteed anything after his time was up. Well, a few weeks ago a full-time position opened up at one of the other warehouses and he applied for it, never thinking he'd get it because so many people were applying and most have been there much longer than he has. He is a hard worker and has made a very good impression on the managers there and he got it. This is good because he will receive health benefits, retirement, and all the things that come with full-time status. The drawback is the schedule. As long as we have been together, Russ has worked in the ballpark of 7am to 4pm or somewhere within that framework. And he has had weekends off, barring any delivery trips or emergency situations. His new hours are 1:30pm to 10:00pm and he is off Thursdays and Sundays. On Saturdays he works 9-5:30. This means we no longer have dinner together, and he's not here for John's bedtime routine. If I get a teaching job in the fall we will barely see each other at all. We both know that we need to do whatever it takes to get by, but this is difficult. The other warehouse is also much different from the one where he was trained and he hates it. It's much slower which makes the days seem so much longer. Now that he has transferred, he is not eligible to transfer back until after six months. I've worked jobs that I hated so I understand what he's going through and I wish there was something I could do to make it easier for him. He applied to the public works department where he worked before we moved, and I'm praying that comes through for him.
I'm not going to go into detail on this blog, but my parents are coming here this weekend. If you want to read the long version of my feelings about this, I've written a (LONG) post on my other blog.
I'm not going to go into detail on this blog, but my parents are coming here this weekend. If you want to read the long version of my feelings about this, I've written a (LONG) post on my other blog.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
I'm not really that special
When my sister was in high school, she was in the marching band. She and a few of the other members formed their own small "band" and they used to practice in our basement. My friend and I would sit on the steps and watch them, until my sister caught us and yelled until mom made us leave. My sister is four years older than me, so I was still in elementary school and she didn't want me around her friends. One of the guys was named John, and he quickly took notice of me. I was very naive and it was quite exciting to have an older boy (two years older) pay attention to me. We started talking and became friends. I knew he was attracted to me but I didn't feel the same way about him. We never discussed it but he must have sensed that I was only interested in friendship, because he never asked me out.
My junior year of high school I was "dating" a guy named Kevin. I had always anticipated going to the prom so when we were juniors and could finally go I was excited about it. I brought it up one day and he said he was not going to go. He didn't want to spend money on a suit, didn't want to get dressed up and saw no point in going. I offered to pay for his suit and asked him to please go for me but he still refused. I got upset and said that I was going to the prom, with him or without him. I wasn't about to let him take something so important to me away. He laughed and said "good luck finding someone to go with, I'll make sure no one will take you." Well, that got me pretty angry so I was even more determined to go. Well, who should walk into school that day but John. He had graduated two years ahead of me and had stopped by to see the band director and his former band mates. He stopped to talk to me and could tell that I was upset so I told him what was wrong and he offered to take me to the prom. I was so happy to walk up to Kevin and tell him that not only did I have a date to the prom, but it had taken me less than two hours! Ha! John drove me home and we made plans for the prom.
Despite what he'd done and said, I didn't break up with Kevin (even though I should have) so I made sure John understood that we were going as friends. I had no romantic feelings towards him and didn't want to risk our friendship so I wanted to be very clear. To his credit, he was a perfect gentleman and we had a good time. I knew he felt more for me than I did for him but he didn't try to push the issue.
After graduation we lost touch and reconnected recently through Fac.ebook. He has had a rough life, especially in regards to women. He's been married three times and his third wife cheated on him (so did his second) and they were trying to work things out. Then one day he came home and she told him it was over and he had to find somewhere else to live. He's been feeling pretty low so I've tried to cheer him up. When we moved back to NJ a few of my friends from high school and I arranged a potluck dinner party, which we held at our house this past Saturday. Because John works in NJ but lives in PA, we offered to let him spend the night rather than driving all the way home late at night.
I knew how John felt all those years ago but I guess I just wasn't prepared to see how deeply he still feels for me. I am definitely not bragging, because it made me very sad to see the almost palpable hurt in his eyes when he looked at me. I had told Russ everything and he was ok with John coming and spending the night but I think he was somewhat taken aback by the depth of John's feelings. He watched with such longing as Russ and I interacted and it hurt to know how badly he wished that were his life. He sent me a message and said what a great guy Russ is and how he's glad that I have such a happy life. He said it was obvious by the look in my eyes how deeply in love with Russ I am and that he's glad for us. I'm no longer that naive little schoolgirl and I can sense the pain he feels and I just want to tell him that I'm not as wonderful as he thinks I am. I'm moody and emotional and I'm sure I'm not easy to live with. He remarked at dinner that he'd been a fool for keeping his mouth shut and not asking me out all those years ago. I didn't have the heart to tell him that it wouldn't have mattered, I've only ever seen him as a friend.
The dinner was such fun that we all agreed that we'd like to do it once a month or so and now I have a bit of a dilemma. Russ told me that he doesn't trust John and he insists it has nothing to do with how John feels about me. He said it's just a gut feeling and Russ is usually a very good judge of character but John has been a good friend to me. Russ said he doesn't have a problem with John coming over and even spending the night but he doesn't ever want me alone with him. I am absolutely fine with that but I'm a bit uncomfortable around him now. He has asked me and a mutual friend to set him up with someone so maybe if he starts dating again he will be happier. I sure hope so because my heart hurts for him. He's a very nice guy and he deserves happiness. I'm just not it.
My junior year of high school I was "dating" a guy named Kevin. I had always anticipated going to the prom so when we were juniors and could finally go I was excited about it. I brought it up one day and he said he was not going to go. He didn't want to spend money on a suit, didn't want to get dressed up and saw no point in going. I offered to pay for his suit and asked him to please go for me but he still refused. I got upset and said that I was going to the prom, with him or without him. I wasn't about to let him take something so important to me away. He laughed and said "good luck finding someone to go with, I'll make sure no one will take you." Well, that got me pretty angry so I was even more determined to go. Well, who should walk into school that day but John. He had graduated two years ahead of me and had stopped by to see the band director and his former band mates. He stopped to talk to me and could tell that I was upset so I told him what was wrong and he offered to take me to the prom. I was so happy to walk up to Kevin and tell him that not only did I have a date to the prom, but it had taken me less than two hours! Ha! John drove me home and we made plans for the prom.
Despite what he'd done and said, I didn't break up with Kevin (even though I should have) so I made sure John understood that we were going as friends. I had no romantic feelings towards him and didn't want to risk our friendship so I wanted to be very clear. To his credit, he was a perfect gentleman and we had a good time. I knew he felt more for me than I did for him but he didn't try to push the issue.
After graduation we lost touch and reconnected recently through Fac.ebook. He has had a rough life, especially in regards to women. He's been married three times and his third wife cheated on him (so did his second) and they were trying to work things out. Then one day he came home and she told him it was over and he had to find somewhere else to live. He's been feeling pretty low so I've tried to cheer him up. When we moved back to NJ a few of my friends from high school and I arranged a potluck dinner party, which we held at our house this past Saturday. Because John works in NJ but lives in PA, we offered to let him spend the night rather than driving all the way home late at night.
I knew how John felt all those years ago but I guess I just wasn't prepared to see how deeply he still feels for me. I am definitely not bragging, because it made me very sad to see the almost palpable hurt in his eyes when he looked at me. I had told Russ everything and he was ok with John coming and spending the night but I think he was somewhat taken aback by the depth of John's feelings. He watched with such longing as Russ and I interacted and it hurt to know how badly he wished that were his life. He sent me a message and said what a great guy Russ is and how he's glad that I have such a happy life. He said it was obvious by the look in my eyes how deeply in love with Russ I am and that he's glad for us. I'm no longer that naive little schoolgirl and I can sense the pain he feels and I just want to tell him that I'm not as wonderful as he thinks I am. I'm moody and emotional and I'm sure I'm not easy to live with. He remarked at dinner that he'd been a fool for keeping his mouth shut and not asking me out all those years ago. I didn't have the heart to tell him that it wouldn't have mattered, I've only ever seen him as a friend.
The dinner was such fun that we all agreed that we'd like to do it once a month or so and now I have a bit of a dilemma. Russ told me that he doesn't trust John and he insists it has nothing to do with how John feels about me. He said it's just a gut feeling and Russ is usually a very good judge of character but John has been a good friend to me. Russ said he doesn't have a problem with John coming over and even spending the night but he doesn't ever want me alone with him. I am absolutely fine with that but I'm a bit uncomfortable around him now. He has asked me and a mutual friend to set him up with someone so maybe if he starts dating again he will be happier. I sure hope so because my heart hurts for him. He's a very nice guy and he deserves happiness. I'm just not it.
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