The poo hit the fan

I just had a "conversation" with my mother via I.M and I am beside myself right now. I had planned on not telling her that we want to move. It is financially impossible right now anyway so why bother?  Well, she gave me such grief about not going to the family reunion that I just caved. Blabbed. Spilled the beans. Sang like a canary. Whatever you want to call it, I told her we are very unhappy here and that we want to move when we can afford it. Of course everything became about HER because everything in the world is about HER. She said she is not happy here either and she wants to move too. And then the "poor me" started and the guilt trip. She actually said "I guess I'm not worthy of anyone's love." Where does that even come from? How does the fact that we want to move mean she is unlovable? My whole life, she has done stuff like this. If anyone dares have an opinion or a goal different from hers, it becomes an attack on her and she gets very dramatic. I cannot count the number of times she threatened suicide or said she was leaving. Then she would either lock herself in her bedroom or go speeding off in her car, leaving all of us in fear that this time she might actually do it. I used to fall for her game and I'd go running after her and tell her she was right all along and she was the best mother ever. I'd sob outside her locked door that I was sorry and I'd never do "it" again.  Somewhere along the way I lost interest in this game. I refuse to chase after her anymore, literally or figuratively. I am living my life and I refuse to apologize for that. In tonight's "conversation" she again threatened to leave, to move far away from everybody, including my father. She tried to take the blame for our unhappiness here, saying they weren't "filling our need." I told her that she is not responsible for my happiness and I don't blame her. To be honest though, I do somewhat blame her because she sold us a fairytale to convince us to move here. But I blame myself most of all. This was my decision and I have to live with it, at least for now. Not sure how things will play out from here on, but I'm sure it will be interesting.

Just random stuff

This post will just be some random things that I want to record but which do not merit a post of their own. First off, I've decided to stop referring to my husband as "R" and use his name, which is Russ. I was using an initial on the off chance that someone in my family would stumble upon my blog. It's unlikely that they would, but if they did I'm sure they would not be pleased because my family is very concerned with appearances. It doesn't matter how screwed up we really are, as long as we appear perfect to the world. Ok then, moving on. Sorry for the bullets, but they will help me keep some order to this post. At least in theory.
* It seems that I am surrounded by pregnant women these days. Many of my friends, cousins etc are expecting and I am so pleased to report that it is not making me wish that we were having another one. At all. In fact, I had a dream the other night that I was pregnant and even in my dream I was not thrilled. I am very happy with our family of three and have no desire for any more children.
* Because I hate my job so very much, I have opened my mind to the possibility of teaching again. I am not actively searching for a job but I prayed that if God wanted me to teach again, that He would make it very clear to me and basically drop something into my lap. Last week there was a job in the paper for a part time special ed position and I applied for it. Not sure if anything will come of it and I'm not thrilled about the possibility of being away from John but it would help us get out of debt faster and perhaps it would be possible for us to move sooner.
* Yes, I still want to move. Very badly. I don't think this is the place for us. The "family connection" my mother said would be here for us has not materialized and in fact I'm more alone here than in Virginia. We had great friends and a wonderful church in Virginia and we may consider moving back there. It would have to be in a different county however, because the school in the county where we lived was terrible. Not sure we want to go back there; it would be fun to start fresh in a new place like we did when we moved to Virginia. That was scary but exciting too.
* When we were planning our move here, I was so excited to attend the yearly family reunion that my mother's family holds. I was craving family and believed that we would be welcomed here. The first year we couldn't go because John was sick and I was so disappointed. Last year we went and barely anyone spoke to us. This year's reunion is today and we are not going. Why should we go and basically be ignored? My mother is very angry at me because she won't be able to pretend that she is a good gramma and show off John. Bitter? Not me.
* There is a flea market near us that is held the first weekend of every month from may to October. I love going to it and have been eager to go again since last month. There is a kitchen "store" and I want to buy some new cookie cutters and baking doodads. I love baking and I'm going to try selling some things at one of the craft shows this year. Perhaps the best part though is the yard sales on the way; there are tons of them. Yard sales and a flea market in the same day makes for a very happy me!
* Russ got a phone call during supper Thursday and found out he had to work late on Friday and would have to work on Sunday as well. He works for a winery and they have a festival this weekend. He wasn't supposed to have to work but the vehicle they were going to take broke down and he's the only one that can drive their big truck. He would have to help them set up Friday and then return on Sunday to bring them back. When they got there (after hours of traffic) there was no security on the grounds so the boss asked Russ to stay overnight and set up in the morning. Which means no early trip to the flea market. Plus it's raining. We need the rain so bad but I will admit to being pretty bummed. There is one yard sale at a church that will be indoors so John and I are going to head there as soon as I post this. If it clears up we may go to the flea market this afternoon when Russ gets home or perhaps it will be nicer tomorrow and we can go in the morning before he has to leave. No yard sales on Sundays though. I'm disappointed but we will make the best of it. I made some chili so we'll have a cozy supper together tonight, my family of three.
* I am over the moon in love with my son. He amazes me every day and I cherish the time I am able to spend with him. We went to McD.s for supper last night after work and then grocery shopping. It was a long day and we were both exhausted by the time we got home but he's really such a good kid. There was a kid throwing a fit and John's eyes just got so wide looking at him. John is really not the kind of kid that has tantrums. Don't get me wrong, he gets upset over things I think are silly sometimes but he gets over them pretty quickly too. Love that boy.

Well, I think that's it for now. Hope you have a great weekend!

I should have known better

I am having serious regrets about moving here and it is tearing me up. At the time "we" made the decision to move, I was battling post-par.tum depression and was definitely not in my right mind. I've always wanted a close, loving family. You know the type: they get together for Sunday dinners after church, they spend holidays together enjoying each other's company and they genuinely care about each other. This is not the way my family is. They never have and never will be. I know this all too well and I've come to accept it over the years. And then came the ppd and it knocked me for a loop. I  have never been that anxious, lonely, depressed or scared in my life. I reached out to my mother for comfort out of instinct and she sold me a story of how wonderful things would be if we'd move closer to her. My poor husband also knows how my family is and yet, after convincing myself, I convinced him that things would be different this time. Bless his heart, he agreed to the move because he hoped it would make me happier. Long story short, it cost us a great deal financially to make the move. Our house did eventually sell, but for less than it would have in a better market. We incurred a lot of debt in the move and haven't made much progress digging out because I wasn't working. I had another very painful "conversation" with my mother via IM the other night and I have just had enough. Enough of the drama, enough of the pain, enough of trying to find something that is just not there. I truly think I have reached the point where I am just done. I'm over it. I wish I could have a loving relationship with my mother, I really do. But I just don't think it's possible. And at this stage in my life I think I'm just done running up against that brick wall. After "talking" to her, I went to my husband in tears and told him I want to move. Again. He tried to calm me down, and gently said it's just not financially possible right now, but that we could set it as a goal for a few years. It's hard to believe that I am at this "desperate" place yet again. I feel like this move was a mistake and I don't like it here at all. The "family" that my mother said was so eager to welcome us has been virtually non-existent. This Saturday is the annual family reunion and I've decided not to go because last year almost nobody spoke to us. So, my family of three is going to spend the day going to yard sales and the flea market and I know we'll have a great time. Now that I have overcome the ppd, I can clearly see once again that my husband and my son are the only family I need. Also, I've been spending a lot of time on real.tor dot com. Just sayin'. Who knows where we'll end up next? I think this time I'll let R make the decision.

What do you say?

What do you say when your neighbor tells you that her newly-turned 18 year old daughter is pregnant with her second child? I said "Congratulations" because every child is a blessing, regardless of the circumstances. Evidently this was the correct response, because she is thrilled about it. Her husband is decidedly less so. He said "they can't even afford the one they have." This is unfair, because the "baby daddy" works hard selling his prescription ri.talin tablets so they can afford things babies need like fancy cell phones and four wheelers. Yes, I'm wearing my judgey pants, just for a minute. There was a time when this situation would have destroyed me. The three years that we battled infertility were the darkest days of my life. Hearing of teens getting pregnant or someone abandoning their baby sent me into a death spiral of pain and tears. Now that we have John, I reacted to this news the same way most people would, which is something I never thought I'd achieve. I wouldn't say I'm "over" my infertility; it has entirely altered the person that I am, but in a good way. I see life in a different way now and I don't take as much for granted as I used to. Upon hearing my neighbor's news, I held my breath and waited for the inevitable pang of jealousy. It never came. R and I both wanted at least two children but my doctor said it could be life threatening to me and/or the child so John will be an only child. And we're ok with that; more than ok in fact. John is all we dared hope for and more and we feel so blessed to have him. He's healthy and happy and our family is complete at three. So I will put my judgey pants back into the closet and I will sew something special for our neighbors' new blessing and I will send them meals when the baby comes home and I will hold him/her without a moment of longing for "what could have been." Take that infertility. I win.

Whiny post about my job-feel free to skip reading this one ;-)

I am trying to keep the tone of this blog positive but I also want it to be an accurate reflection of my life right now. That being said, I need to say that I hate my job. Hate it. There are many reason why, but the biggest one is the director herself. I've mentioned before what a brat her son is and the type of "mother" she is, which makes it mighty difficult to respect any decisions she makes in terms of the children. She was also interviewed for an article in the paper and she said that we follow a "full pre-school curriculum" which is a load of bull. The only thing even remotely resembling preschool is the daily "projects" the kids do, and half of them are completed by the staff. I knew going in that this was a daycare setting and I was ok with that because we were primarily looking for John to be around other kids. And what does it tell you when the director and the other staff are sending their kids to preschool in the fall? I've been trying to ignore most of this stuff, because of the simple fact that I can take John to work with me. And I was doing ok with that until "the incident" on Tuesday.

John was getting his lunch bag to clean up after lunch and he caught his foot in the strap, which I keep long so it's easier for me to carry. He fell face first onto the floor, which is cement with cheap carpet on top. The way his head hit, I knew it was going to be bad, and he came up with a mouth full of blood. Shaunna went for the first aid kit and Amie grabbed an ice pack as I tried to assess how bad it was. His tooth had hit his lip, and there was a red mark on the outside showing where his tooth had nearly come through. As I calmed him down and worked on stopping the bleeding, Shaunna proceeded to tell me that I was welcome to take him to the hospital or doctor but they wouldn't stitch a lip. I'm welcome to take him? I'd like to see ANYONE try to stand between me and my son! It didn't seem to warrant anything like that, so I gave him a popsicle and comforted him. And then Shaunna says to me "I hate to say it but he's really clumsy, is he like that at home?" I said "he got his foot caught in the strap of his lunch box." She said "I know but he seems to bump his face a lot." Yes Shaunna, he's had a bump on his chin and now this, you're so right. Let me tell you, I saw red! I wanted a piece of her in the worst way. I wanted to challenge her to compare our sons; ok John is "clumsy" is it my turn to say something about your kid now??? Because I can guarantee you I'll win that one. John is a very active boy (all boy!) and yes he does get hurt sometimes. Hmm, isn't that a scratch on your kid's face too? I can deal with an awful lot, but not criticism of my son by someone who is incompetent as a "teacher" and a mother! The only way to keep from going off on her was to avoid talking to her at all. She kept asking if I was ok and I'd give her a short "I'm fine." She said "if I did something wrong, let's talk about it." Ugh, it was SO hard to keep my tongue. After work I went to the gym and I RAN on the treadmill! The gym isn't air conditioned and it was so hot but it let out some of my frustration. R said she called "to check on John" and he told her I was at the gym. Thankfully I was off yesterday which gave me some time to cool off as well but I am NOT looking forward to dealing with her today at all. I know that we really need the money and this is most likely the only job that will allow me to bring John with me so, at least for now, I have to suck it up but it will be extremely difficult. After work I will either head to the gym again or I'll do boxing on the w.ii. Guess whose face I'll be imagining? Plus she is off tomorrow because she's taking her "special boy" to del.grossos so I just have to make it through today. But when R picked John up on Tuesday, I told him I was going to apply at Wal.mart to work evenings. Right now that's not sounding like too bad of an option.

How does your garden grow?

Almost without fail, we plant a garden every year. In last year's garden, along with the usual stuff, we decided to add zucchini and yellow squash. We all love zucchini bread, and I like yellow squash sauteed with onions. We didn't want to be over run by squash, so we planted one zucchini plant and one yellow squash plant. Or so we thought. As it turned out, they were both zucchini plants and we had an over abundance of zucchini. Which was fine, because I made lots of loaves of zucchini bread (more than 35!) and I froze them. I also tried lots of other zucchini recipes, including a chocolate zucchini cake which was absolutely delicious. This year, we again planted one zucchini plant and one yellow squash plant. Or so we thought. This year, they were both yellow squash plants. I read that the two are not interchangeable in recipes so I put out an appeal on Fa.cebook for yellow squash recipes which did not yield very many. Yesterday R picked about 10 squash so I decided to try my zucchini bread recipe using the yellow squash instead. It was a success, so it looks like our freezer will once again be stocked with loaves of yummy "zucchini" bread.

An ordinary, extraordinary love. And a yard sale ;-)

I am over the moon in love with my son. I know, big secret lol. After battling infertility for over three years, I feel so incredibly blessed to have him. He is the answer to my prayers. But there are moments when I am literally overwhelmed with love for him. They are usually ordinary moments, when we're not doing anything but "being." There are nights when I go back into his room after we've done our bedtime ritual just so I can have a few more moments with him. Of course there are also nights when I'm exhausted and can hardly wait for bedtime to come, but I truly treasure this time in our lives. I want to always remember this time and I want him to know how very much I love him and what joy he brings to my life.

We had our yard sale today and it was very successful. We got rid of a lot of stuff, which makes R happy because he can "reclaim his shed" as he says. This house is significantly smaller than our previous house so we had way more stuff than we needed. It was a very busy day and John was so good. He has his daddy's "go with the flow" personality and he took it all in stride. He played with his "old" toys but was fine when other kids came and bought them. In short he acted way older than his three years. So very proud of this boy.

In the Good Old Summertime

We are "on vacation" this week! The daycare closes for the week of the 4th of July every year. We are switching classrooms and I "could" help with that if I wanted to get in some hours. Yeah, that is so not happening. R took the week off too, and we are enjoying some family time. So far, today will be the first day that we actually stay home.

Friday after work we went out for dinner and then did the grocery shopping to get it over with. Saturday was a super busy day! We went to the flea market and yard sales in the morning and then went to a birthday party for John's friend Ashley who lives behind us. She's five and is such a sweet little girl. They play really well together. After that we came home for a bit and then took John to his first fireworks show. We went to a shopping center several miles away so it wouldn't be too noisy and he enjoyed it. No nap all day so he was a very tired boy and fell asleep in the car on the way home.

Sunday we went back to the flea market and then came home for a nap before heading to the Independence Day celebration at the park by my parents' house. They had a train ride and a bounce house (all free!) and John had a good time. We told him that the fireworks would be much louder being closer and he wanted to stay and watch them at the park. That lasted until the first "practice" firework. It scared him pretty bad so we packed up and headed to my parents' house where we watched the fireworks while snuggled up on the swing on their back patio. Monday we went shopping for meat and a few other things and just bummed around a bit.

Yesterday we went to Del.Grossos amusement park and had a great time! John loved every minute of it! He has absolutely no fear and wants to ride all the "big kid" rides. It was hot but there was plenty of shade at the ride section of the park and then at the water park they were in the water the whole time. John even rode the water slide by himself! He's a very adventurous kid, that's for sure! We were gone all day, so no nap again. He did great and wasn't at all cranky but he was definitely ready for bed after showering and a few books. Today we are all looking forward to a quiet day at home. It has been a great week so far!

Where does the time go?

Today my sweet little boy is three years old! Even saying that sounds so unbelievable. It's hard to believe I've been a mother for three years, yet it's hard to remember a time without him in my life. We fought infertility for just over three years and that time seemed to pass so very slowly while the time with him has flown by so quickly. I've found myself reflecting on his first few months and how difficult they were for me due to the postpartum depression and just a general "I don't have any idea what I'm doing." How could a baby that weighed 5 lb 12 oz have such a huge impact on the world? Because, for me, he has truly changed the world for the better. In everything I do, I think of him first. I have fallen more in love with my husband watching him be John's daddy. I see people smile at John, as his happiness is contagious, and it makes me believe that there is still good in the world. I can't even count the number of people who have told me how beautiful, cute, handsome, precious etc he is. There is something special about this boy, that's for sure, and I'm not the only one who recognizes it. I am truly blessed to be his mother and I love him with every fiber of my being. Happy Birthday John, mommy loves you so very much! XOXO

Gee, thanks for telling me!

I made myself nervous yesterday about asking to reduce my hours to 4 days a week. It's best for John and for me, but I hate feeling like I'm letting someone down. And this is only my third week working there. Plus Shaunna, the director, was in a cranky mood when I got there. Just before nap time we were sitting together at the table getting projects ready and I felt like it was a good time to bring it up. Then I started thinking I'd wait until tomorrow and maybe she'd be in a better mood. She was getting ready to leave for the day and I knew if I didn't say something I'd be upset with myself because I'd been thinking about it all weekend. So I asked if it would be possible to cut back to 4 days a week. She said "um, I'm trying to think" and came back with her calendar book. She said "well, you're off on Wednesdays with the new summer schedule." Really? When were you going to tell me that? I had no idea there was a schedule change for the summer. She also said I was scheduled from 11:30 until 5:30 instead of 11:00 for the summer. She said "I wondered why you came in at 11 this morning" and chuckled. Duh, maybe because nobody told me any different! So then I asked if the change started this week and she said "yes, you're off tomorrow." Oh boy am I glad I brought it up today. I would have been SO mad if I had come in today and she told me I wasn't scheduled! So, John and I have the day off today and it's beautiful outside! R bought him a little plastic pool yesterday and I filled it this morning so in a little while it should be warm enough to go splash around in. I had wanted to have Fridays off so John could go to his old play group but I think having Wednesdays off is awesome-it will break up the week nicely. It all worked out in the end but I was a bit annoyed that Shaunna never told me about the summer schedule change. Oh well, I'm over it, LOL! Now it's time to go enjoy the day with my favorite little boy!