Where does the time go?

Today my sweet little boy is three years old! Even saying that sounds so unbelievable. It's hard to believe I've been a mother for three years, yet it's hard to remember a time without him in my life. We fought infertility for just over three years and that time seemed to pass so very slowly while the time with him has flown by so quickly. I've found myself reflecting on his first few months and how difficult they were for me due to the postpartum depression and just a general "I don't have any idea what I'm doing." How could a baby that weighed 5 lb 12 oz have such a huge impact on the world? Because, for me, he has truly changed the world for the better. In everything I do, I think of him first. I have fallen more in love with my husband watching him be John's daddy. I see people smile at John, as his happiness is contagious, and it makes me believe that there is still good in the world. I can't even count the number of people who have told me how beautiful, cute, handsome, precious etc he is. There is something special about this boy, that's for sure, and I'm not the only one who recognizes it. I am truly blessed to be his mother and I love him with every fiber of my being. Happy Birthday John, mommy loves you so very much! XOXO

Gee, thanks for telling me!

I made myself nervous yesterday about asking to reduce my hours to 4 days a week. It's best for John and for me, but I hate feeling like I'm letting someone down. And this is only my third week working there. Plus Shaunna, the director, was in a cranky mood when I got there. Just before nap time we were sitting together at the table getting projects ready and I felt like it was a good time to bring it up. Then I started thinking I'd wait until tomorrow and maybe she'd be in a better mood. She was getting ready to leave for the day and I knew if I didn't say something I'd be upset with myself because I'd been thinking about it all weekend. So I asked if it would be possible to cut back to 4 days a week. She said "um, I'm trying to think" and came back with her calendar book. She said "well, you're off on Wednesdays with the new summer schedule." Really? When were you going to tell me that? I had no idea there was a schedule change for the summer. She also said I was scheduled from 11:30 until 5:30 instead of 11:00 for the summer. She said "I wondered why you came in at 11 this morning" and chuckled. Duh, maybe because nobody told me any different! So then I asked if the change started this week and she said "yes, you're off tomorrow." Oh boy am I glad I brought it up today. I would have been SO mad if I had come in today and she told me I wasn't scheduled! So, John and I have the day off today and it's beautiful outside! R bought him a little plastic pool yesterday and I filled it this morning so in a little while it should be warm enough to go splash around in. I had wanted to have Fridays off so John could go to his old play group but I think having Wednesdays off is awesome-it will break up the week nicely. It all worked out in the end but I was a bit annoyed that Shaunna never told me about the summer schedule change. Oh well, I'm over it, LOL! Now it's time to go enjoy the day with my favorite little boy!

So how's the job going?

It's no secret that I'm not happy about having to go back to work. I have really enjoyed being at home with John. So that makes it that much harder to get into the swing of things with a new job. Being the low man on the totem pole, I got the shift that nobody else wants-closing every day. Add to that the fact that John is still sick with a cough and I have a cold, and you've about got my take on things. When I applied, the ad said 20-30 hours per week. I am currently working 32.5 and I think it's too much. I don't know how it will go over, but I am going to talk to the director about only working 4 days a week. That would give John and I a day to do stuff we want to do, plus make it easier to schedule doctor appts, run errands and work on getting my inventory built up for craft shows. I'm nervous about asking but I think it's best for us. The worst she could say is no, right?

The women I work with are pretty nice and quite friendly. Since I am the only one that closes every day, I work with someone different each day and they all do things differently. Caryn (another worker) said I will have to tell everyone how to do things but I'm not comfortable doing that just yet. For now I just go with the flow and do what needs done.

One thing that really bothers me is the director's son. He's 2 1/2 and he's a holy terror. She brings him with her every day and lets him run buck wild. He is seriously spoiled and nobody tells him no because he's the director's kid. She tells us to discipline him but you can tell she really doesn't mean it. I called her bluff and put him in timeout twice the other day and he told her that I hit him. She was in the room and saw everything so she knows I didn't but what if she hadn't been? As a teacher and a mother, it makes me angry to see someone "raising" their kid this way. She also has 2 nephews and a niece in the room and favors them over the other kids too. I am careful not to play favorites with John and if anything I am tougher on him than the other kids. So frustrating.

I am really hoping that the director is willing to cut me back to 4 days a week. I think that would make a big difference in my mindset towards the job. I am hoping to get a chance to talk to her about it today. Besides her, I am the only one working 5 days a week and the girl that I replaced only worked 4 days a week. And if I went to 4 days I'd still be working 26 hours a week, which is within the 20-30 hours quoted in the ad. Do I sound convincing?? LOL, hope so.

Already?

Well, Sunday night I had the breakdown that I knew was coming but had hoped to delay until Monday morning after R had left for work. He asked me why I was crying but I couldn't talk about it and I said I was fine. Don't think he bought it, LOL. I had started thinking about John getting sick and me not being able to stay home with him. My mom had reluctantly agreed to watch him when he's sick. But my mother is not the most nurturing person when someone is sick (or healthy) and is more concerned about being exposed to germs than how the person is feeling. Plus I am his mommy and it's my job to take care of him. John has never been in daycare so I know that he will most likely get sick fairly often in the beginning. Long story short, R talked with his boss and they were fine with the possibility of him needing to take time off to care for John and then making up the time later in the week so he doesn't have to use sick or vacation time. The company he works for is small and very family oriented. So that was a relief. And just in time because...John is sick already. Poor little guy started with a runny nose yesterday but he was fine otherwise so I brought him with me. As the night went on, he got stuffier and this morning he added a fever to the mix. Of course R had said yesterday that today was not a good day for him to take off as they had a ton of work to finish. I reluctantly called my mom Thursday night just to see what the chances were that she would be able to watch him and she was teaching a quilt class today. To her credit, she offered to skip it, and offered for my dad to come over until it was finished and she could take over. I didn't feel comfortable leaving John with them while he had a fever (yes, I know they raised me and I survived lol) because he has a tendency to go downhill rather quickly when he gets sick. So I called the director and explained to her what was going on and that I was trying to get it worked out. She told me it was fine to come in late, even to wait until R was home. Again, what a relief. So, R worked his butt off and finished early so I ended up being about 3 hours late and it was no problem. Tonight he had a fever still and I'm praying he's feeling better by Monday because I'm not looking forward to another juggling act. Poor little guy I hate to see him sick, especially after he "just" got over the flu.
    Gee, I never even said how the job is going. Well, it will have to wait because this post is long enough already and I'm beyond exhausted. Tomorrow is our town wide yard sale day, and I've been waiting months for it! We were hoping to go all together but that will depend on how John is feeling tomorrow. Have a good weekend!

Today and Tomorrow

Today I have a ton of things to do as my family prepares to embark upon the next chapter of our story.
Tomorrow I will go to work for the first time in almost three years and John will start preschool/daycare. I will be one of the teachers in his room.
Today I will fight back tears and put on a happy face so as not to upset my husband, who already feels terribly guilty that I have to go back to work.
Tomorrow I will sob in the shower after he leaves for work.
Today we will go to church and I will thank God for this job, because I am incredibly lucky that I can work and still have John with me.
Tomorrow I will muster up all the strength I have to make it a wonderful day for him.
Today I will enjoy every "last" minute with my boy who seems to me to be still a baby but who will become a preschooler as we walk out the door in the morning.
Tomorrow I will watch my only child playing with his new friends and marvel at the big boy he has become.
Today I will label John's lunchbox and his clothes with a permanent marker and try to etch this day permanently into my memory.
Tomorrow my heart will break and heal over almost simultaneously.
Today I will enjoy having John all to myself for one last day before sharing him with the world.
Tomorrow I will do what I know is in his best interest and encourage him to fly on his own as I cheer from the sidelines.
Today we will cuddle and talk about all the wonderful things he will learn and do at school and all the friends he will make.
Tomorrow will be the biggest day so far in his young life.
Today is going way too fast.

I'm gonna miss this

   Have you heard the song "you're gonna' miss this" by Trace Ad.kins? I'd post the video here if I could but I don't even know how to post pictures so that's out. Anyway, it talks about not rushing through life and enjoying each moment. I have been feeling melancholy about going back to work and this song keeps running through my head. I knew that I would eventually have to go back to work. I know how incredibly lucky I have been to be home with J for almost the first 3 years of his life. And I know that the job I am going to is the most perfect job for both J and I. I also know that there are many mothers who have to leave their infants to return to work and I'm sure it just about breaks their hearts. I know all this and yet I am still a little sad. I have loved being home with J. I know there are many women who would hate it but I really have enjoyed it. I have loved being there for all of his "firsts" and I love that I have been his world. I guess what I'm struggling with most is that he is growing up so fast. He will start making friends and wanting to be with people other than me. Don't get me wrong, this is what I want for him. But my baby isn't a baby anymore. I know there will come a day when he will push me away and won't want to go places with me anymore. That hurts more than I was prepared for it to. Everyone says how fast time flies, and they are right. I just want to enjoy every moment with J that I can, and not rush through them. I want to burn these moments into my memory so I can wrap myself in them later, when he's too cool to be seen with his mom. I love him with all my heart.
Happy Mothers Day to the mothers, prayers for those trying to become mothers and those mourning for their children. I remember how painful Mothers Day was when we were fighting infertility.

My poor boy but also some good news

     Yesterday I could tell that J's throat was still really bothering him. Then after lunch he had bad diarrhea (sorry if tmi) so I called the Dr to see what to do for him. The nurse said bring him in again so we headed back. His throat was super red and he said his belly was hurting. The Dr sent us to the hospital for blood work and I knew it would be traumatic. J has had to have blood drawn about 5 times within the last year and a half for various reasons. His previous pediatrician was incompetent and tested J for obscure things I knew he didn't have. He refused to listen to me when I told him I thought J had ref.lux, which turns out is what he has. Long story short, he is no longer J's doctor and I lodged a complaint against him. Back to yesterday, I knew it would be rough and I was right. J is very strong and it took 3 techs to hold him even after they wrapped him in the "papoose." I had explained to them what to expect as we've been through it before but they must have thought I was exaggerating. My heart almost broke in half as I watched my child struggling and screaming as they stuck him three times. I finally had to unleash mama bear on them and insist that they listen to me. They finally got enough blood and we left. I got the results today and everything looks good so hopefully it's "just" a virus that will pass. Today his throat seems better but the cough has gotten worse. I hope that means it's working its way out. Poor little guy, I just want him to feel better. It was nice weather in between the rain showers so we took a walk to watch the road crew working and then before supper we drew with chalk. I think the fresh air helped somewhat.

 I have loved staying home with J but financially things are just getting too tight. I figured I would take a part time job at a store evenings and weekends. I have a degree in special education but don't want to teach full-time right now because J would have to be put in daycare or my mom would watch him which would not be ideal to say the least. I had a job interview today at a daycare center. I had spoken to the director on the phone and evidently the "interview" was just a formality as she had already decided to offer me the job. The best part-J can come with me! The class is 3-5 year olds, and he will be 3 in June. It's Monday through Friday from 11-5:30 and R can pick J up on his way home around 3:30 or he can stay with me if R has to travel for work. We have been looking at preschools because J needs to be around other kids so this is a win-win in that respect as well. Plus the daycare is inside the elementary school where J will eventually go to kindergarten so if things work out I'd be in the same building when he goes to school. The pay isn't great but the fee for J to be there is unbelievably low which will save us on tuition and the center is run by the Y so we will also get our family membership for free. We had a family membership but had to let it lapse as money got tighter. I have really missed going to the gym. I'd been feeling sad about having to go back to work and I know R felt bad as well but this is the answer to prayer. I never dreamed it would work out like this and I am so very thankful.

Overload

     The past few weeks have been quite difficult around here. Two weeks ago my husband's aunt had a stroke. She was taking out her garbage and her neighbor found her laying outside with no idea how long she had been there. She was life-flighted to Phila.delphia where her prognosis remained dim. Her daughters were fighting over whether to remove her from life support, which they eventually did earlier this week. She was to be transported to hos.pice care and we have not heard anything since. This is my MIL's only sibling and my husband's only aunt since he has no contact with his father's family.

     Last saturday my MIL called to tell us that Don (hub's stepdad) was in the hospital with what they suspected was pneumonia. He is dia.betic and doesn't take very good care of himself, which always complicates things. I was at a craft show when hub got the call so he had to wait for me to get home before he could head to nj to be with his mother. Later that day she called back and said Don was better and they were going to release him the next day so R didn't need to go. The next evening she called back and said not only was Don not being released, but he was going to need a pacemaker so R hurriedly headed to nj sunday night. Don got his pacemaker the next day and was improving so R decided to head home wednesday even though Don wasn't scheduled to be released until thursday because R had a delivery to make for work on thursday. Plus the whole time R was in nj, his mother kept telling him she "didn't need him." Nice.

     With R in NJ, I was home alone with J, who was in rare form on Monday and Tuesday. He is normally a pretty easy-going kid and usually listens well. Not those days! I was exhausted and several times I wondered if he wasn't possibly coming down with something since he was so not himself. Wednesday evening as we were putting him to bed I picked him up and he was burning hot. His temp was 102.7 so we gave him Ty.lenol and he slept through the night. The next day his temp stayed high and at one point hit 103.2 so I called the dr and we went in. They did a strep test which was negative and said it was probably a virus. Thursday night was terrible-he kept waking up sobbing and screaming and I had to sleep in his bed with him. Not that either of us got much sleep. He seemed better during the day on friday but then went downhill again so I called the dr back and he called in an antibiotic as a "just in case." We started the antibiotic yesterday. He has moments where he is ok but he is definitely a sick little guy. Sore throats are awful and I see him wince every time he swallows. We're trying to push fluids so he doesn't get dehydrated but he's resisting because it hurts. Tonight he had diarr.hea, poor guy can't catch a break. R and I are both feeling awful too, sick bellies also. We were supposed to go to my parents' for Easter dinner but couldn't so my mom packed up our dinner and Dad brought it over. J barely ate his supper but did manage a little bit of cake. I am praying he starts feeling better soon. He needs to sleep to feel better but the throat pain keeps waking him up. He finally got a decent nap today and we are hoping he gets a full night's sleep, though he has already woken up crying once already. I am just exhausted both physically and emotionally. Also I have a job interview on Tuesday morning, more on that to come.

First dentist visit and possible progress

     I took J to the dentist for the first time yesterday. It is beyond me how he is old enough to see a dentist when I just brought him home from the hospital yesterday but apparently he is. Go figure. Anyway, we've been talking to him about it for weeks, preparing him. He does so much better when he knows what to expect. He was wonderful! I thought they were just going to look the first time but he did so well that she actually cleaned his teeth too! He chose watermelon toothpaste, which thrilled him and he got to choose a toothbrush too. He picked one with a teddy bear on the handle and was so excited to brush with it last night. One of his molars is completely in and the other three are about 3/4 of the way in, which we figured since he's been chewing on his fingers lately. So proud of my (big) little guy!

     I have written on here before about how difficult we've found it to make friends since we moved. It just seems like people here are not very friendly, I don't really understand it. Neither of us were ever on the "A list" but we've always had a group of friends wherever we've lived. And I have made an effort to be friendly at playgroups. Perhaps we've grown more selective or maybe because I'm a bit older than some of the moms, I just don't know. I know it hasn't helped that we haven't found "our" church yet either. On that front, we have started going to church again after being discouraged with bouncing from one to another. The past two Sundays we have gone to one that we had tried before and so far we like it. When we went before they were merging two churches and it was too "unstructured" for us. They seem to have worked things out now and it seems very nice. They have children's church, which is a very important feature for us. I went along with J simply because I'm not cool with the idea of leaving him with people I don't know. If I'm being honest I'm not all that cool with leaving him with anyone but I know I need to get over it and we have even been  looking into preschools. Be still my heart. Anyway, perhaps in a few weeks I'll be ready to let him fly solo in children's church. Hopefully we will start getting to know people and make some friends soon.
 
     Also, last Friday at play group there was a mom I hadn't met before and we got to talking. Turns out we have several things in common and she lives just a few blocks away. She was very friendly and suggested getting together for play dates (she has 3 kids) when the weather gets nicer. She said she'd be back this week and we could exchange phone numbers. I was on such a "high" thinking I might actually make a friend. Of course when I got home I had to check our "unsavory" neighbor's Fa.cebook friends list for her and she was on it. I'm trying to be positive and not judgemental though. We'll see what Friday brings.

     I had a craft show last Saturday (did well) and have another one this Saturday so I've been super busy. My embroidery machine is out of commission again, so Mom is letting me use one of hers. It is way more advanced (and WAY more expensive) than mine so it has been a learning process for me. It was gorgeous this weekend and we had fun playing outside. So far this week it has been chilly and rainy but we're really hoping that spring is on its way!

Sad for a friend

     I am Fa.cebook friends with a guy who I went to school with for a year or so. I think it was middle school (a hundred years ago) and then he went to a different (Catholic) high school. He was cute, shy and very quiet and I think I was the only girl in the school who didn't have a crush on him. (I've never been attracted to "pretty" guys.) Anyway, fast forward and we are now friends on Fa.cebook. He's married with 5 kids and seems so happy. Last Friday he posted that his younger sister had given birth to a son. I'm not sure how much younger she is, but I don't remember ever meeting her. This past wednesday evening he posted that she had developed a severe infection and was back in the hospital and he asked for prayers. Yesterday at 5am he posted that he was headed to the hospital to see her and he simply said "It's bad. Please pray." I was at the store yesterday and when I got back onto Fa.cebook in the evening I saw that she had passed away that morning. Her son was only six days old. I cannot imagine how her husband is coping right now, having a week old infant and losing his wife. She was a teacher, a wife and a new mother and her family must now go on without her. I will be keeping the family in my prayers and holding my family just a little bit tighter today. We are never guaranteed another moment so cherish each one that you are given.